Friday, January 27, 2012

Pornge Anyone?

My 8 year old diva has always had trouble with pronunciation. When she was a toddler I had to take her to a Speech Pathologist for tips in getting her to use her throat, not just the tip of her tongue, to make sounds. Now-a-days, she simply gets tripped up over lengthy words. It's quite adorable if you ask me.

Magazine is Mazagine.

San Jacinto is San Dakindo.

Photography is Tafroggery.

And so on.

Last nights homework required her to rhyme words. She chose to try and rhyme "orange." This is how the conversation (with herself, mind you) went down:
 "What rhymes with orange? Ooohhhhh!!!! I know! PORNGE!!!!" 
I had to walk away to get my laugh out. Explaining to her why I thought "pornge" was so funny would have most likely damaged her....for life.

I love that joy and laughter are found in the silliest things...even when no one else seems to find the humor in said little things. These days, I find myself laughing at the hand fate has given me. The best way to describe it is by sharing the latest entry from http://startingoverwonderful.blogspot.com:  
When Fate steps in...

It is amazing, really.

You’re traveling along on your own little journey, lost in your own little world, and out of nowhere it seems, the right something (or dare I even say, someone?) crosses paths with yours. When I say right, I mean that certain something (and yes okay, possibly someone) who’s sudden, un-expected presence makes you stop dead-in-your-tracks so that you can catch your breath. 

Because it’s just what you needed. The realization takes your breath away.    

And you can’t believe your luck that it just showed up one day, out of the blue, when you weren’t even looking for anything like it. When you didn’t even know that it was just the thing you’ve been missing in your travels all along. 

So, you take it with you as you continue onward.  

You embrace it.

You’re grateful for it. 

You give it all you’ve got.  For what it’s worth, it changes you enough where you re-evaluate where you’re going and how you plan to get there.
Two breathtakingly beautiful moments happened this weekend. Being my birthday weekend, I could not have asked for a better present. As much as I'd love to shout it from the rooftops what happened, it's one of those moments that are best cherished in private. The kind of moment that made me stop dead-in-my-tracks. The kind of moment that made me ask Fate, "Really? Now? So soon? Are you suuuuuure?"

Just like hearing "pornge" for the first time, causing my heart to lift at the sweet sound of my daughter's confident voice, hearing Fate whisper to my soul, "Jump!" has brought a depth of peace to my being that words cannot even describe. I used to thumb my nose at Fate, wondering "How could you??? How could you make me share so much of my life with such an unloving person? How could you bring my idea of perfection into my life now...now that I'm on the fast track to my 40's?? Why not 20 years ago when we first met??"

The answer was hidden beneath the pain of not being able to touch him everyday; beneath the sadness that I've lost 20 years with him; beneath the fear of not having him for the rest of my life.

I wasn't ready.

I wasn't ready to be loved.

I wasn't ready to love.

Staring comfort in the face, seeing myself lost in his soul, is like hearing pornge for the first time. Silly. Sweet. Unfamiliar.

It's Fate's way of saying, "You're ready."


Saturday, January 7, 2012

All's Fair in Farts and Kisses

After a long week and a super big lunch (which for me included a pile of grilled onions, sadly the hot boyfriend is allergic to them) we decided to take a much needed nap. This is how the pre-nap conversation went down:

Hot BF (as I'm walking to the bathroom): Where are you going?

Me:  To brush my teeth.

Hot BF: Right now?

Me: Yeah, well, I ate all those onions.

Hot BF: Eh, that's OK. I don't mind. 

Me: Really?!? And you'll still kiss me?

Hot BF: Yeah...as long as I can fart.

Me: DEAL!!

Hot BF (as he leans in for a yummy kiss): Mmmm, aren't we romantic.

My, oh my, how things have changed. I mean, really. Seven months ago I was doing what everyone told me was necessary after my divorce: Date. Date a lot. Get to know what's out there...what I want....what I don't want.

I had no idea how fun being in the dating scene could be. For most, it's a scary thing to face. For others, too difficult to break into. Me? I *loved* it!! I had so much fun meeting new people, learning new ways to flirt, er, I mean communicate, and most of all learning about myself. My confidence soared, my smiles widened, and most days I felt like I was floating on cloud 9.

Something happened, however, during that time that I didn't foresee. Honestly, it took me until now, six months out of the dating game, to realize it happened. For a couple of weeks, I've been feeling different. I haven't been able to put my finger on what exactly felt different; I just knew that something, fundamental, was changing at the center of my being.  The crazy thing is, it took watching a silly movie to make me see it. 

The dialogue between Dylan (Justin Timberlake) and Jamie (Mila Kunis) in the movie "Friends With Benefits" is what caused the light bulb to flicker on: 
Jamie: Look, I know that I act all tough and I talk all tough, but really...
Dylan: It's just a front to protect yourself from your own vulnerability.
Jamie: What are you, my f****** therapist now?
As I pondered the conversation for a few days, I also heard a reporter comment--in reference to Demi Moore's confession of being scared of "ultimately finding out at the end of [her] life that [she's] really not lovable, that [she's] not worthy of being loved. That there’s something fundamentally wrong with [her]"--a woman "going through a divorce often asks herself 'if this one man doesn't love me, will any man be able to?'"

While immersed in the dating scene, I was fun, carefree, aloof, and emotionally unattached/unavailable...somewhat robotic-like. As a matter of fact I used to tell my guy friends/guys I dated that I loved them in a robot-kind-of-way. It surprised even me at how unemotional I was when it came to men. Hearing Timberlakes character tell his counterpart that it was "a front to protect [herself] from her own vulnerability" was a jaw dropper for me. That was it!!! I finally knew what was changing within me!!

I met--and established a deep, strong friendship--with the Hot BF right smack dab in the middle of my emotional unavailability. We joked, made fun of each other, laughed, hugged, cried (me, not him), laughed, texted till 4:00 a.m., told funny stories...all the while my heart and spirit were (unknowingly) growing tougher and tougher. I was (again, unknowingly) determined to protect myself from becoming vulnerable to a man. So when the Hot BF and I decided to "hang out," I was confused and perplexed at the physiological response I was having to him. He gave me butterflies just with a touch of his hand...I couldn't stop thinking about him...I felt so cozy and comfortable in his presence..."WTH IS HAPPENING?!?!"  is all that ran through my mind for a good few months.

So this change, this process of coming out of my chrysalis, my protective shell, started much longer than a few weeks ago. It's only been lately that the changes have surfaced into my thoughts and behavior. I have been worried that the girl the Hot BF fell in love with--the one who "acted all tough and talked all tough"--wasn't the "real" me; it was the protected me, the sheltered me, the "I refuse to get f***** by a man again" me.

I can't tell you how many times I've asked myself: Will he still love me...the real me? The emotional, incredibly sensitive, visionary me? Because the last guy? The ex-husband? Not only did he not love the "real" me, but he belittled the real me; ridiculed my vision for all things possible in life; took liberty in crushing my spirit and dismissed the tears welling up in my eyes when I asked him to just love me for me.

As the shell around my heart and emotions have been chipped away, piece by piece by the love, kindness, and generosity of the best man I've ever had the pleasure of knowing, I've been fearful that when he sees the "real me," he won't want me as much as he wanted me when I was fun, carefree, aloof, and emotionally unattached/unavailable.  Turns out, the deeper into my heart and emotions he gets, the deeper in love we fall with each other.

I will take the romance of onion kisses and farts any day over...well...anything. All's fair, right?

+++++++++


Sometimes, being strong means not holding back the tears but letting them fall.