Have you ever cried till there weren't anymore tears to cry? Has your heart been hurt by another so deep you wondered if the wound would ever stop bleeding?
Since I left my ex-husband 15 months ago, I have refused to let him hurt me anymore. All of his stupid antics have mostly angered and frustrated me. But this time? This time, his actions cut to the quick. In an instant my heart was broken and the tears started flowing. How could someone be so cruel to another person??
I tried showering to shake it off. More tears. I tried laying down to sleep away the sadness. More tears. I tried playing with my kids. More tears. Nothing I did took away the pain in my heart or the realization that I was on the verge of having my Christmas completely ruined.
There was a moment...several actually...I had so many thoughts racing through my mind as to how to handle the situation and yet I was clueless as to where to begin. Talking to my mom just made cry harder. My 7 yr old diva caught the tears in my eyes and demanded to know why I was so sad. At that point I was crying so hard I was gasping for air.
In a beautiful moment of clarity, I reached out to the one person whom I have learned loves me...for me. Not out of selfishness. Not out of personal gain. Simply out of love. I wasn't scared to tell him what was going on, but I was heartbroken to tell him our Christmas was in jeopardy of being thwarted by the ex.
In one phone call, I was reminded how strong, yet sensitive I was; how important it is to remind myself of all the reasons I left my ex and the odds of him changing are slim; how, no matter how hard I try to do right by my kids, the ex will always do what he can to maintain power and control over me.
It occurred to me in the middle of our conversation, there was a dynamic I had not considered when entering into a new relationship. When I left my ex, I was making the choice to a lifetime of strife and disagreement with him. Ok, so this wasn't any different than when we were married; except now I was dragging a third party into the situation. It was a sobering moment as I listened to him bring love and reason to a loveless and unreasonable situation. I was falling deeper in love with him yet at the same time, I was saddened to think that I was asking this amazing man to accept not just me, but my kids and yes, my ex.
I know there are so many families who have made this work (but my ex wasn't a piece of their puzzle). There's so much to learn as we build a new family. The bright side? There will be new love...new dreams...new hopes....new plans. I have no idea what we're going to have to endure as this progresses, but I'm excited to see where it goes. Mostly because, for the first time ever, I'm a partner, not a possession. A friend, not an employee. An inspiration, not a burden.