Today's the day. One year ago today the Judge signed her approval and legally declared me a free woman!!!! You know me, I'm always reflecting on the past, present, and future. It's so important to me to maintain "me" and always be reminded of the beauty in my life...even if things feel a little $%!^^y at times.
I've been asking myself over the past couple of days, "Am I where I thought I would be this time last year? Am I where I want to be in life?" No and a big, fat YES!! This time last year, I was in my rebound relationship. It was so emotionally charged at the time, I could hardly enjoy the fact that I was divorced. Looking back, I think I lost my marbles for a few months thinking I could actually make a relationship work so soon after my marriage. However, make no mistake, I have absolutely NO regrets being in that relationship. Come to think of it, I have zero regrets for the decisions I have made this past year.
I'm sure some would look down on me, disapproving of the choices I've made. Many would even judge me if they knew how far my wings spread this year. But the idea of becoming a liberated woman, confident in myself, comfortable in my skin, and content in my heart is euphoric!!
I read a quote yesterday that resonated so deep in my soul.
AND!!! My relationship with my kids has deepened and grown stronger because I set out to find happiness, contentment and, most importantly, validation within myself. I pride myself on not needing the presence of a man to make me feel better about myself. Don't get me wrong, I have hit the love-lottery when it comes to the hot boyfriend. His touch electrifies me. His whisper melts my heart. His silent presence comforts me. But never, ever, will I find my validation in him or my relationship with him.
He is the reason I am not where I thought I would be. When we started seeing each other, I was dead set on being single for the long haul and never, ever, ever getting married. I'm still not convinced I want to be married, but I am convinced that I want this man in my life for as long as God allows me to have him. He has made me a better version of myself, but not a complete version of myself. He has made me smile and laugh more than anyone in my life has, but he is not the source of my inner-joy...I am. He has validated my ideas, my thoughts, my fears, my joys; but the validation of my identity, my hope, and my self image comes from inside of me.
I can't help but wonder if maybe, just maybe, that's what he finds attractive in me. Who knows, ladies. Maybe the "good ones" are more concerned with inner peace, confidence, and determination than we give them credit for.
All I know is, I'm living my own little version of a Christmas miracle. I gave up on love, but I am living proof that it's okay to believe in love again. It doesn't always hurt. Just as the cells in our bodies regenerate and have the ability to heal, the cells in my heart and my mind have found the healing and wholeness I have longed for all my life.
I am me. Finally.
I hope this Christmas, you too will find the peace and contentment your mind and heart crave. But hear me on this, you won't find it under the Christmas tree or in the arms of another. Those two gifts, although incredibly important, are an empty void if you don't start loving and appreciating yourself. Do it for your kids. Do it for your partner. They deserve the version of yourself. YOU deserve the best version of yourself.