Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Some Things You Just Can’t Un-see

Have you ever had one of those moments with your child that you know once they realize what’s going on, nothing you do can “un-do” what they’ve seen or heard?

Welcome. To. My. World.

DISCLAIMER: If you are not a woman, if you do not have kids, if you have a weak stomach, or if you’re just plain ol’ judgmental, stop reading now. If you continue reading, don’t say I didn’t warn you!!

Since I was an infant, I have been prone to yeast infections, mostly in my mouth (commonly known as thrush). In a combination of events that have occurred in the last six weeks (judging the Jr. Baking Contest and eating 1.5 tons of sugar and being on two rounds of anti-biotics) I now have the WORST yeast infection of my life. AND!! To make matters worse, my Dr. won’t prescribe me the needed meds to combat it. Says she “doesn’t believe in it because it causes damage to your liver.” Well, lady, not giving me the necessary meds is causing damage to my bits & pieces!!! I’m MUCH more concerned about my cookie than my liver at the moment!

Stopping by the store was on my to-do list all day, but I was swamped at work all day and didn’t have time to swing by the store. The only free time I had was right before a work-related dinner. I should mention, by this point, my kitty is NOT liking me…I waited waaaay too long to take care of b’ness. So on the way to the dinner, I swung by the store to pick up a few “items.” Oh! Did I mention I had my SON with me?? Yeah, not good planning on my behalf. As I’m strolling through the isles, I’m debating on coming back to buy everything after I’ve put him to bed. But there was no waiting. I had to get things in check ASAP!

In my vain effort to distract him while I try to decipher the difference between seven-day triple action packs, vaginal suppositories, creams vs. ovules (who knew there were so many options to take care of my hoohah), I realize that I’m on the verge of traumatizing my son….FOR LIFE.

I casually mention to him that I need some Vick’s Mentholatum.

“Huh?"

“Menthtolatum. It should be a couple of isles down.”

One minute later he returns. “I couldn’t find it.”

<”Oh dear god!!! Are you freakin’ kidding me!! One look in this direction and he’s gonna totally see what I’m looking at!!”>

"Son, did you look by the cold medicine? Why don’t you try again. Look on the bottom shelf, it might be there.”

Another minute passes. “Not there, either.”

<”Lord have mercy…on my hoohah!!”>

“Ok, well, let’s go look together. I’m sure we can find it.”

In blind haste I grab the closest box within reach, not even knowing WTH I’m buying.

“What is that, mom?”

“Uh. This? Nothing. Just some cream.”

“For what?”

“Mind your business, boy! We’re looking for mentholatum, remember?”

Here’s the thing. Anyone who knows me, knows I don’t censor as much as other parents do when it comes to my kids. I want to keep the communication lines open with my kids and be the one to teach them “the ways of the world” rather than have their friends teach them. I also don’t want my kids to too embarrassed to talk to me about whatever they have learned on the playground.

However.

There are lines that are not meant to be crossed by an 11 yr old boy and his mom.. Seeing your mom buy monistat 7 is definitely one of those thick boundaries that should not be breached. It’s one of those things that just “can’t be unseen.”

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I feel if I'm in a position to radically change other people's lives for the better, I should. - Richard Branson

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

I'm Not Just Another Pretty Face

This is it. I'm doing it. I'm committing to move beyond musing and put all the craziness in my head out for the rest of the world to mock me, er, be inspired. As a disclaimer, I'm including my "About Me" in this post. I just want you to be doubly warned before jumping feet first into this blog. With that said, I hope you return and fill your cup of laughter and tears. Pour a cup 'o joe, get comfy, and join me in my roller coaster life. I promise to be as candid as possible without boring you with all my proud-mommy-moments.

I should also warn you, following the "About Me" excerpt, is my rant against men using the "You're too pretty a girl to be doing that." Yeah, pisses me off, too.

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ABOUT ME:
In those rare moments of quietness & tranquility...Pfft!! WTH am I talking about?! I'm a single mom to two kids, one of which is a tweener. There is no such thing as quiet & tranquil in our house. We're loud, obnoxious, snuggly, and pretty damn funny! I refuse to wear mom jeans (even if it does mean I'd have the advantage of embarrassing my offspring).

I’m one of those wickedly evil moms who gets a kick out of scaring the sh*t out of my kids just to see the look of fear as they scream. Yeah, yeah I know, they’ll get me back 10 fold when I need a nursing home. But OH the laughs I will have in the meantime.

WARNING: This blog might offend you at times. However, I promise to make you laugh every now and then with my own embarrassing, tragic, and triumphant experiences as a single mom.

DISCLAIMER: I have a lot to say about parenting, dating, life, and stupid people and although what I say may look like advice, sound like advice, or feel like advice…trust me it’s not. If you heed my twisted two cents worth of nothingness, do so at your own risk.

ABOUT ME: I heart bacon. I hate stupidity. I love when you talk nerdy to me. If ever I found myself in a zombie attack I would surely die.

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So for the past week, I've been going back and forth what my first post should be on. It hit me like a bowling ball in my peaches (my 7 year old daughters version of girl balls) today at lunch. I swung by Taco Bell (don't judge) and tried their fire roasted salsa for the first time. <BTW...totally delish!! I ate a whole package, before it made its way to my taco. Yeah, that's right..I slurped it out like it was the last morsel of food I'd ever put in my mouth again!! And Mmmmm....it was sooooo tasty!!> I digress. As I was opening a second packet to slurp down, I noticed the caption on the package, "I'm not just another pretty face." Just like that I was reminiscing a conversation I had with a 173 year old man a couple of weeks ago. In 30 minutes he said I had "too pretty a face" at least 6 times. Really? That's all you see? I'm surprised you made it past my chest to see my pretty face you old fart!!

Before I left the meeting, he asked me why I was inquiring about our topic of conversation. When I explained, he just shook his head and said, "You don't belong there. You're too pretty a girl for that." WTF?!?! Are you freakin' kidding me? Did you not pay attention to any of our conversation? I'm sooooo much more than a pretty face!!

I don't know about you, but flattery has never really worked on me; I'm not a one-liner-kinda-girl. Guys have to work a little harder than giving me a BS line about how pretty I am. Ok, so admittedly, maybe it's because I'm so distrusting of people (I've been in therapy to work on that). But still!! Don't tell me I'm not qualified for something because I have a pretty face. I got a bit of revenge when I didn't show up for our next meeting. It's my lame way to stick it to the man. :-)

Girls, it's about time you stick up for yourself. Be more than just a pretty face. As Maya Angelou once said, "Life's a bitch. Go out, grab the world by the lapels and kick ass."